Synonymously Somber

Today has been a rough day.   Understatement of the year right there.  Today has been hell, wrapped up in barbed wire, and trash compacted.  In all honesty, nothing is as bad as we ever make it, but when you’re deep in a pit of self misery, it’s hard to imagine the light at the end of the tunnel.

Starting the day with feelings of inadequacy, humiliation, and just ashamed, topped off with roughly 3 hours of sleep makes for a dangerous Molotov-Sam cocktail.

I’m having a hard time figuring out where I fit into this life.  Not just with D, but with every thing and every where.  I’m writing this as I’m at work.  That should be a big clue as to my work ethic at the moment.

I’m trying to work through my head what my Psycho-triggers are.  What makes me fly off the handle and not give a flying fuck about what comes out of my mouth.  I’m also trying to cope with the fact that I think I would be a terrible mother because I feel like I’m failing the “step-parent” act royally.  I’m so terrified that she will grow up to be like her mother, that perhaps I expect too much from her. I just want the best for her and to avoid her being a spoiled rotten mean girl.

I’m failing in the significant other category lately too.  I can’t see to make him happy when all I feel like I do 24/7 is work harder and harder to achieve what I think he wants, only to end of failing even worse.  I’m sure if he hears another “sorry” it may be his breaking point or that moment he looks at me and thinks “Fuck this, I’m done.”

That’s one of my biggest fears.  Not having him at my side.  I had a terrible nightmare the other night involving him seeking the attention and ear of another woman. It wasn’t a sexual dream, but I think leaning on someone other than your better half for emotional support is even worse. Not that I would think he would ever cheat on me in a million years, but who am I to say that because I’ve been a raging twat-waffle, he looks for emotional support elsewhere?  He’s got a long line of past lady friends that I’m sure would lend an ear (or more) if he asked.

I need to find who I am again.  Outside of “us,” I need to find Sam.  I feel lost in the life altering changes and decisions we’ve made in the last year.  He’s not to blame for any of it.  I take sole responsibility for losing myself in him.  I think we moved so quickly that my brain didn’t have time to process all of as it was happening and now all of a sudden, it’s like D-Day.

I’m hoping I’ll get home from work today and we will be able to get back to some sense of normalcy.  I’m not holding my breath because if I was D, I wouldn’t be able to look at me.  Fingers crossed that this is all just another bad dream and shall pass soon enough.


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