Change Starts In Your Thoughts

I’ve been struggling lately.  Struggling to get a grip on reality.  Struggling to suppress my ridiculous angry outbursts for no damn reason at all.  Struggling to fight back feelings of loneliness and abandonment.  Most of my feelings are just plain ridiculous most of the time, but that doesn’t stop the word vomit coming from my mouth.

I’ve been feeling left out.  Valentine’s Day was just a shit show.  I felt like celebrating the day and making a bigger deal out of it for D’s daughter meant I was pushed aside.  I also thought a joke while shopping was just a joke, but apparently it was taken for chastising. In the meantime I had been working a few drawings for D that needed some finishing touches, but I said fuck it.  He can take his daughter to dinner or they can just celebrate, I want nothing to do with it.  I didn’t finish his drawings in time.  I didn’t even get him a card.  I was feeling left out.  Like everything has to revolve around his daughter.  Yes, I was being a big jealous cry-baby of a 4 year old.  Even lunch with his parent’s that day was awkward and it was all my fault.  So it’s safe to say when I came home to a beautiful set of diamond earrings, I’ve been eating crow since.

Then came the nice weather stint we’re currently having.  He’s been itching to take his motorcycle out.  But he’s also been laid off of work and doing things around the house and his shop.  So a few days later when he decides to just take off for awhile while I’m at work slaving away at job #1 and then later on job #2, I was pissed.  Pissed because he didn’t think to maybe see if I wanted to be picked up for lunch and go for a ride.  Pissed because while he can go joyride, I’m stuck at work for 18 hours.  Pissed because it was supposed to be nice all weekend, but guess what, we have the kid so no fun adult ANYTHING all weekend.  It was a stupid reason to get upset.  It’s a hobby of his and would I rather he just sit at home and do nothing?  No, of course not.  I hate that I don’t have a hobby or anyone I’d really like to enjoy a hobby with but him.

I’ve known for some time that I rely on him too much.  I rely on him for entertainment and adventures.  I know I need to change this, I’m just worried that it’ll affect our relationship as well.  I knew going into it, he had a child and that she would be his world.  I knew it and said I was okay with it.  I still am and I love her to death, but sometimes I feel like “his world” is too all consuming.  We plan too much around a 4 year old because “it might hurt her feelings” or “she might not like doing that or going there” or etc. etc. etc.  I’ve already told him our world can’t stop just because of a kid.  We still have to be able to do what we need/want to do, kid included.  But I guess I just need to step back and keep my voice down.

I guess I won’t know until I try.  He’ll get plenty of time without me this week.  Last night was about the only night we would have had, but he spent it working on a truck and I just cleaned like the good housewife he seems to want.  Tonight I’m venturing out with the girls for dinner and a movie.  I work tomorrow night.  We have the kid Thursday and I work both jobs Friday.  Maybe he’ll actually have a chance to miss me.

I just wish sometimes my feelings would be validated.  Or he’d try and meet me halfway, rather than looking at me like I’m crazy.  I AM crazy, but I can’t be the one to do all of the changing and compromising.  We’ve both said some hurtful, downright mean things to one another that we could never take back.  We’re both hot headed and stubborn.  We both come from families with histories of mental illness.  We’ve got strikes against us going in to it and I worry it’ll just continue to be this massive pile of “good for a few days, bad for more days,” leaving me feeling like it is all my fault.

I’ve already told him that I’ll never be that quiet, mild mannered housewife he seems to want, but maybe I should just try.


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