Limited Sanity

Yesterday was a bit of a milestone day; we’ve officially owned our home for 2 years and I finally sucked it up and went to therapy for the first time.

The past 5 months have just been a shit show. I’ve been miserable and making those around me miserable as well. I can’t always explain it and I don’t always have a trigger that sets me off, but it’s been wreaking havoc on my home life for while now.  It was refreshing to just unload on a complete stranger.  Hearing some of these things come out of my mouth, out loud for the first time felt relieving. And terrifying at the same time. I was a hot, blubbering mess within 5 minutes, but man did I sleep good last night.

It was nice to express my discomfort with the thought of therapy in the first place. I used to always believe the stigma that therapy was reserved for spoiled, white, rich women, overly upset over not getting their way or that their husband was having an affair, etc.  As I got older and met more and more people that struggled with their own mental health, that belief turned into fear. Fear that I would be labeled as crazy. Why couldn’t I put on my big girl pants and just deal with the curve ball life throws at you? Did I mention mental health issues run in my family? There was always that fear that I would fall into the footsteps of family nutcases before me. Well after the death of my brother, that reality hit even harder and I knew I needed help beyond my control, but I still couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I flaked on another therapist, making some excuse on why I couldn’t make it.  I found this new one and canceled on her the day of my appointment because it was a “good day” and I didn’t need it, I could cope on my own.  Well… 1 week later I rescheduled and here we are today.

I liked her and am willing to give her another shot.  I think it’s pretty routine that you’re asked what you want to get out of therapy – I just want to vent. Learn to control my moods and emotions. If I can take the burden of listening to my crap off of D for at least a little while and do some self love and healing, it’s well worth the money to me. He may not understand why I need it and I don’t expect him to. As I explained during my appointment, we come from very different backgrounds with a lot of similarities, if that makes sense.

I’m not as crazy as I thought! She only wants to see me every 2 weeks, so that’s a plus, right?