Limited Sanity

Writing with a purpose. Huh. I thought that was the point of writing anything in the first place – because you had something to say. But apparently I was looking at it all wrong.

I need to find a sense of purpose and direction again in my life. I feel like I’m standing in the middle of a forest, unsure of which way to go or how to find my way home. I’ve been trying to get into more holistic/spiritual living, but I can’t seem to find one area of interest and stick with it. I also occasionally have the urge to do art things, but the follow through isn’t there. I’m trying to chalk it up to the winter blues. The weather is finally getting warmer and I’m starting to get excited to play in some dirt. If anything, I do enjoy our garden and having the ability to grow things.  I’m hoping that love stays with me this year. After my brother passed last Spring, I just lost all hope or care about anything.

Since then, I’ve also become a selfish asshole. I don’t know what my deal is. Is it because I lost my brother to suicide and my mom to a 1,500 mile move in the same year? I can’t keep using that as an excuse. B died almost a year ago – I’ve got to learn to deal at some point, right? And my mom drives me crazy. She’s still my mom, but I’ve been finding every excuse not to go visit her because she drives me nuts.  Oh well, you can’t pick your family. And the other brother and I have been brought closer together, so that’s a plus right?

Back to writing with intention. I’ve been reading up on this and it’s recommended you start with “gratitude” and then move in to setting your intentions.  Here goes nothing!

I am grateful for my handsome fella, his wonderful daughter, and the life we’ve created together. I do think that I would be lost without either of them and I wouldn’t be where I am today without their love and support. I intend to work at showing them my appreciation more and work on curbing my selfish ways. It’ll take some effort, patience, and time, but I want to do better and be better for both of them. They deserve it. They’ve allowed me to be in their lives and be a part of something amazing, it’s the least I can do for them.

Today is day one for change. One small step at a time.