Huh. A year since my last entry. What’s changed, you might ask?
Holy fuck. How much time do you have?
In all seriousness, there has been a multitude of change in my life, but 99% of it has been for the better. I’ve learned how to set boundaries – especially with my mother, I’ve been to therapy, I started a daily antidepressant regimen, I’ve quit smoking, and most importantly I’ve continued my path of discovering who I am and how to love myself.
The therapy and antidepressants all coincide together. Back in February, I was at the end of my rope. So was D. My mood swings were off the charts and just as unpredictable. I had NO motivation for anything. Things that used to bring a stupid shit-eating grin on my face were far and few between. I was imagining scenarios and conversations that didn’t happen (or did, but just in my head), but affected my mood anyway. After one particularly horrid blow-up with D, I decided that I couldn’t do it on my own any longer. I made 2 calls that day – 1 to a previous therapist I had seen once or twice and 2 to another doctor’s office to switch my primary care physician. Best decision and calls I’ve made in a long time. Fast forward 5 months – got 2 little white pills that make daily life more manageable and I only see my therapist on an “as-needed” basis. One of the pills also help curb the cigarette cravings in addition to making me less crazy so that’s a win in my book. I hope I don’t have to pop the pills forever, but if it helps take the edge off, why not?
Ah yes, and now about my journey to self-rediscovery. I feel like that is such a basic white-girl thing to say. All that’s missing is a reference to Starbucks, yoga, sage, and chakras. For real though, my journey has been wonderful. And confusing. But mostly wonderful. I started down my path just over 2 years ago, April 2017, but a sibling’s death and all the horrible things that come with that derailed my train for awhile. I’ve since hopped back on and have been dabbling in all sorts of fun things such as continuing with Reiki training, learning Chiromancy (palm reading) and reading Tarot. I’ve been trying to get reconnected with nature and my intuition. I’m learning to live in the moment because you can’t change the past or predict your future. What you have is now. Through this journey, our home is slowly becoming a jungle. D has even made me some custom plant racks because I’m running out of window space. That’s an excellent problem to have and the air quality at the Manor is fabulous! There is no such thing as too many plants.
The bottom line is… I’m the happiest I can ever remember being. Yes, I still have my bad days or “Sam-zilla” moments, but who doesn’t? All it took was a little self-love. Well, a lot more than that, but once I started removing the negative people and situations from my life or create boundaries for them, things started to fall into place.
If I could offer one little bit of advice (not that you asked for it, but you’re getting it anyway), it would be to fully appreciate what you DO have and avoid focusing on what you don’t. I believe that we can manifest our desires, or fears, from our thoughts. It’s been scientifically proven that thoughts can affect the physical world and you can literally manifest a better life for yourself by appreciating the one you currently have.
Alright, I’m off my soapbox. For now. I’d like to say I’ll make more of an effort to update this thing more than once a year, but let’s face it. That would be a bold faced lie. I will however say “I’ll try” to do just that. I’ve been getting back into more notebook-journaling because I’m a fan of doodling, but this method is much quicker. Until Next Time!
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