Limited Sanity

Can two broken individuals come together and have a healthy relationship? Had you asked me almost 7 years ago, I would immediately say yes. Ask me today and I’ll tell you it’s a bit more complicated than that.

As we get into serious relationships, things change. It’s inevitable. I’d like to think for the most part, the people stay the same, but that’s not always the case either.

I can’t speak for D, on his behalf, or even fathom to guess what goes through his head. He’s just as messed up in the head as I am, only difference is I take happy pills and he doesn’t. I can, however, talk my truths on how things have been, how they’re going, and where they may end up.

This whole diabetic journey with the kiddo has created some new challenges that we haven’t had to face before. However, nothing in our relationship has come easy. I feel like we’ve always had to fight tooth and nail for everything. Granted it makes us appreciate it that much more, it’s still a tough pill to swallow when you feel like you’re literally battling at war most days. Thankfully, we’re pretty awesome partners most of the time, but like I said… this whole T1D stuff is new territory.

First off – dealing with kiddos mom more frequently is a lot of fun. Especially because she thinks that since she answers phone calls at a health clinic, she knows more than everyone else about what’s going on. *insert eye roll here* She’s a failed CNA who makes appointments at a free clinic like 16 hrs a week. Whooptie Freaking Do. I can handle her, she’s just a bimbo who’s good at 2 things: laying on her back, spreading her legs and procreating. She has two other spawn with baby-daddy #2 and THANK GOD our kiddo looks nothing like them.

What I can’t handle is how much control she still has over D. Not like physical control over him, but she knows just how to push his buttons and all he sees is red and is no longer thinking clearly. Neither of them listen to one another and only hear the horrible things they think the other will say. Now I’m not saying that D is a liar by any means, but I do think he has the tendency to exaggerate or blow things out of proportion.

Example: One afternoon he was upset because Dumb Beaver (our affectionate name for her) text him, demanding he be home by 5:30. I saw the text. It was her asking if he was going to be home then. Not demanding, nothing demeaning or out of line. Just a question.

I understand why he gets upset. This crazy bitch did a number on him during their relationship and still makes his life miserable. I don’t trust her one little bit, but I know when to pick and choose my battles. With her, you have to make things seem like they’re her idea or like she’s in control, without ever actually giving her control. It’s a mind game with her. Always has been, always will. We know we’ll eventually end up back in court so all we can do is try to stay a step ahead. I just wish D would learn when to pick and choose his battles too because with him, everything dealing with the Dumb Beaver is a battle and it doesn’t have to be.

Secondly, I’m also at my whits end with the constant negativity coming from him. It’s like a disease, the more you’re around it, the more likely you are to contract it. Most of the negativity stems from a horrible experience the first go-around with custody and court. His parents picked out a fucking horrible lawyer who didn’t even specialize in family law, let alone live in our city. This lawyer didn’t give a crap, didn’t show up to things, filed things late… overall it was just crap. Fast forward past their last court date in 2014 and now we have a better attorney who just so happens to hate the Dumb Beaver’s attorney. Also… his last lawyer was male. This one is a high ranking female who accepted Dave’s case when most female attorneys will not because they’re generally losing cases. I have a great feeling about this woman representing him and her ability to see through the bullshit. But I need him to try and treat this scenario and new part of our lives and something completely new and not base it on past experience. He’ll tell me he’s being a realist. I get that, fine, that’s cool. But you can be a realist and have hope. Without hope, what is the fucking point?

Finally… treating me like a child. I get it, I may act like a child on occasion, but who doesn’t when they’re upset? If I don’t understand something, don’t get frustrated and talk to me like I’m an idiot. I’m your equal, your partner. Not your fucking Ex. Not your kid and most certainly not your mother. I really, really hate the condescending tone he can get if he thinks I don’t understand something or he needs to man-splain something to me. I understand your previous relationships may have been based on things other than intelligence, but I promise you I can hold my own in this area.

The more I think about where we were and where we are currently, I’m amazed we’ve made it this far, honestly. We were so happy in our honeymoon phase in the beginning. We went out of our way to do kind things for one another, actually planned dates and wanted to spend time together. Now I feel like we’re just putting up with each other because it’s easier than figuring out how to split a home and how to start over. It’s convenient.

I don’t want that. I want my dirty biker back. I love D dearly, but fear that if we don’t get a couple of these issues worked out asap, it’ll be curtains for us. Neither of us is happy currently. Neither of us have been our best selves at all and I want to fix that, but I also want him to want to fix it too. After hearing him say “there isn’t much left” (assuming he was talking about his love for me), I almost don’t even know if it’s worth trying to fix. It almost sounds like he’s made up his mind. But I’m not a quitter. I’ve already told him if things end, he’ll have to be the one to end them because I won’t.

So hears hoping we can find that magical common ground and can come back to a place of love and light instead of resentment and darkness.

Until next time 🖤