Limited Sanity

Today has been a fucked sort of day. Didn’t necessarily start off that way, but 6+ inches of snow and one very exhausted D later? Yeah… sure was fun. *insert eye roll here*

Apparently we’re fighting over dishes. And the fact that I worked from home today. While he was out slaving away with the snow.

I finally told him that I think he needs to seek professional help to talk to someone. I’ve never seen him so upset. Granted I could have probably worded the “get help” portion of our conversation better. (Word of advice, NEVER say “I think your ex was right” because that WILL NOT go well.) However, the ex and I feel he needs help for different reasons. Her reason is just because he won’t bend to her will. Mine is because whatever he has going on in his head right now sees me as the enemy and not someone that has done nothing but have his back going on 7 years now.

I’m not the type to do nice things and expect something later. I don’t do them so I can hold them over your head later. I do things for people because I like people. I like being of service. I feel my great purpose on this earth is to be of service to others. However, if my character is attacked or if I’m feeling personally backed into a corner, I apologize for how I say it, but not what was said. I have helped this man with countless hours of resume editing and emailing to help him find a job. I’ve been in his daughter’s life since she was 2 years old and have helped in every way possible with that, including taking time off of work and researching childhood diabetes like a beast. In return, he has been there for me through some serious life changes like the suicide of my brother & my mom moving across country, just to name a few.

Now let’s get to the dishes. I am not the most organized person in the world. Organized chaos I call it. I don’t live in filth, but my home does look “lived in” if that makes sense. I have clean laundry…. on a chair because putting it away is the worst. I have piles of random clothing around my side of the room, but I can tell you exactly what is dirty and what isn’t. My life growing up was living out of a series of boxes. I went to nine different elementary schools. Became old enough to start to work and got not one, but three jobs. Safe to say I was practically living out of my car, so yes, my car is like a convenience store on wheels. D is the opposite. There is a place for everything and everything in its place. His car is immaculate, he’s a bit of an anal retentive nerd about it. His tool box is every OCD kid’s dream. I can’t say shit about how he does laundry though, we’re similar on that front. We both could live out of laundry baskets for life. But what I’m getting at is there are a lot more differences between us than similarities. No biggie, opposites attract, right?

Apparently a few small dishes in the sink is cause for nuclear war. I wasn’t aware, but it is. I left a few small dishes in the sink this morning, mainly my tea infuser and cup. Occasionally, I’ll leave something in the sink to soak versus scrubbing right then and there. Not D. Everything has to be done right then and there. Even if I say “just a sec, I’ll get to it” he’ll already be scrubbing it while telling me “I’ve heard that before….” without giving me the chance to do it. Or… he’ll move the same fucking object that I just did because his spot is a better spot. Just ask him. I feel like I’m constantly judged for not being a neat freak or not anticipating his next move. I’m also tired of being the only one to try and work on our relationship by seeking out therapy. I didn’t start therapy solely for relationship issues, but it’s certainly helped because I can’t talk to D and apparently he feels he can’t talk to me either. Dishes in the sink = I’m a lazy POS. Also the comment about the amount of dishes, like what do I do, eat all day? He stopped short of saying that, but I knew it was what he was thinking. How do you come back from finding out your SO thinks your a lazy fat ass who doesn’t nothing but eat, sit around, and smoke pot? I don’t know that I can. What’s worse is… I’ve been working hard at eating healthier and drinking more water. I’ve actually lost weight. Now I’m sitting here thinking what is the fucking point because he’ll still think I’m a lazy fat ass for something else.

Things escalated quickly today and we’re not necessarily on speaking terms. I’m sitting upstairs on our bed writing this, while he is downstairs with the kiddo. Normally I take the reigns when it comes to her diabetic and blood sugar stuff and homework, but not tonight. Dad can handle all of that. I’m also considering booking a hotel room for a night or two to give myself a break. Honestly, some of the things that came out of his mouth today hurt worse than anything I’ve ever heard before so I think it might be time to take a step back and really think about what I want my future to look like.

I really, really want it to look like the image in my head of all three of us living happily in this big creepy house together, but some days I hear the familiar call of the single life and really wonder if the shit I go through regularly is worth all of the hassle? I think so. I think D and kiddo are worth it, but the problem is, does he? Does he think it’s worth fighting for? Will he seek help to work on his issues instead of just focusing on all of mine that piss him off?

Rereading this makes it sound like he’s a monster. He really isn’t. He’s just a sad, lost individual who unfortunately has been taken advantage of his whole life. Maybe that’s why we connected. Maybe I thought I could fix him too. I’m not innocent in all of this either. Being messy drives him nuts, I know this, I do it anyway. I could have more respect for him as well in that department. But I also don’t think a few dishes are cause for a screaming match, neither is how I “loaded the dishwasher” wrong. They say you take out your frustrations on those around you the most and I get it, I’m not an easy partner by any means. I just thought I’d have more of a “partner” regularly than sometimes partner, sometimes wanna-be father figure. I don’t need someone to act like my dad. I have a sperm donor already who opted to not be a part of my life basically since birth, so why would I want to replace that position later in life? I fucking don’t.

Now… in 45 minutes, we get to meet up with his parents for his birthday dinner. Oh yeah, it was his birthday yesterday. While I was being yelled at about being lazy and leaving dishes in the sink, not one mention of the delicious manicotti that I made for him and the clean kitchen we had before we even sat down to eat! But that’s not supporting him. Dinner at Red Robin with his parents. At least kiddo will be there to keep Grandma busy and D is there to keep Papa busy. Here’s to a fucking awkward, miserable evening. End Rant.

Tomorrow is a new day. It’ll be better, I promise.