Limited Sanity

I feel like I’m hungover today. Emotionally and mentally drained after yesterday and last night. Dinner with his folks was okay, but kiddo’s blood sugar numbers were through the roof all night long so we were up every hour or so to check on her. Her Dexcom wasn’t reading correctly – apparently the “200+” reading was actually more like 400+ which we discovered after doing a manual finger prick. We did several finger pokes just to be certain we weren’t going crazy. Numbers all over the freaking place. Explained why she was so thirsty and going to the bathroom every 30 mins. Her mother changed out her sensor on Monday and never calibrates it. I understand not regularly calibrating it because it’s supposed to be pretty much hands off – however, I think calibrating at first insertion after the 2-hr warm up period is good to do, just to be certain things are at least within a 20% difference range. After changing out monitor batteries, opening new test strips to eliminate a chance of contamination, and more finger pokes than an 8 year old ever cares to do, we finally got her down to sleep about 9:30 pm last night, with a wake up every 60-90 mins.

I actually let D do all the wake ups because it’s normally me unable to sleep if she’s having a rough night. Of course I was awake with every alarm or each time he hopped out of bed, but I just let him continue doing what he was doing. I left this morning without waking either of them up. For one, kiddo didn’t sleep for shit and two, I’m still upset with D for yesterday and parts of last night. I think it may take a few days to get over some of the things he said and even at that, I’ll never be able to forget them. Just like he’ll never be able to forgive me for siding with his ex on mental health or various other things I’ve said in the heat of the moment.

Let me make this very clear – I am owning up to my mistakes. I know I’m not an easy human to deal with, let alone a romantic partner. I make mistakes, I fuck up royally on a regular basis and I try to learn from my mistake, but the best way I learn things is apparently the hard way. I’m emotionally demanding, I want love and attention always. Not in the “look at me” kind of way, but the reassuring “he really does love me!” kind of way. I say the most vile, horrible shit I can think of if I feel like I’m backed into a corner and being attacked. I go for the jugular. The kill shot. Every. Time. Why? Because I want you to feel exactly how you make me feel in that second. Mature? Absolutely not. We all backslide every now and then.

All I’m asking is that he take his share of responsibility for our issues and fighting. When it comes down to it, the finger is always pointed at me for my attitude, my hatred of him, walking on egg shells, etc. I’m not saying those things don’t happen, but they don’t happen nearly as often as he likes to say. I’ve never really had someone make me feel as wonderful and horrible about myself at the same time. It’s a weird feeling.

I know we’re both stressed at the thought of restarting a custody battle and our diabetic issues last night didn’t help the stress either, but if he feels he can’t talk to me… then what? I can’t control him. I can’t fix him. I’ve been working on fixing me and my issues, I just wish he would be open to doing the same.

Here’s to t-minus 2 hours until I can leave work and go home to hide in a hole. Or take a nap. I haven’t decided which one is more important just yet.