Limited Sanity

They say you can lead a horse to water, but you certainly can’t make him drink it.

or

You can lead a human to knowledge, but can’t make him think.

I don’t know why I do it, but when I get fixated on something, I research the hell out of it. I want to know everything there is about that subject. Why? I really don’t know. So I can be well versed? So I can be ready at the drop of a hat with an answer? So I can brag about knowing the ins and outs of something? I really don’t fucking know. What I do know is that it’s not appreciated as much as I thought it would be in the particular area of our custody battle. Or I should say HIS custody battle because it’s been made abundantly clear that I’m not a part of it.

I’m not an attorney. I don’t have children of my own and I have not gone through the court system dealing with divorce or custody issues. However, I really don’t think that means that I can’t research and learn. Since D and I have been together, I’ve helped him retain a new attorney and held his hand through his court hearings, without actually having to go to court with him. I’ve kept notes and records of issues, events, and other important things. I’ve joined various Facebook groups about supporting father’s rights, stepmom support, and dealing with high conflict co-parenting. I’ve spent hours reading blogs, new articles, and watching videos, looking for something… anything that might be able to help him. His first attorney didn’t have his interest at heart and really only took him for his money. I’m trying to stay a step ahead of his ex because it always seems she’s 3 steps ahead of us.

Last night all of this really came to a head. I was sitting in the living room watching some YouTube videos of this lawyer I happened across with some really good information about narcissists. He came inside from doing whatever and asked what I was watching. As I was trying to explain or offer suggestions / examples we could use when talking to his lawyer, he SNAPPED. It all of a sudden turned into a case of I’m not a lawyer, he has to do what his lawyer says and only that, it costs this to have her even read an email, etc etc etc. I can honestly say this is one argument where I didn’t raise my voice once. I think mostly because I was in shock at how quickly he stood up and started screaming at me about it. Screaming about how he’s tired of everyone telling him how to live his life, etc, etc, etc. All I could think was “The fucking nerve of this guy….” because really all I was thinking was about the hours and hours and hours of time I’ve devoted to try and help him, only to be met with a screaming lunatic.

He says sometimes he just wants me to listen. Okay, I heard you, loud and fucking clear yesterday. But last night was NOT a listening issue. It was an issue of D asking me about what I was doing and then freaking out about it when I answered his questions. Seems totally fair, right? We’ve talked about BOTH of our listening issues and I’ve suggested that when we’re talking to each other, start out with “this is just a listening problem, not a fixing problem” so I know what mode to be in. I think I secretly have a Hero Complex, which is why I’m always wanting to fix everyone. I can’t help it, I feel as if I was really put on this earth to help others.

But I can’t help him unless he actually wants to be helped I guess. I hate it because I feel like he’s stuck in this victim mentality because his ex screwed him over before, she’ll do it again, so why bother trying because it’ll be a waste of time and money. I hate it because she still has so much control over him and our lives. I hate it because some days I feel like I’m 100% involved and at his side as an equal… and then there are days like yesterday where I was put in my place. Like his ex said, I’m just his girlfriend so I should remember that and remember where I belong.

Well… here I am today, remembering my place and stepping back. The daily planner that I’ve been keeping notes and records in has been left at home. It’s his now to use and I’ll explain that later this evening if we’re back on speaking terms. My emails back and forth with his mom will just be cordial and basic updates about our lives, no more on the custody front. If she wants info, she can go to him about it. No more changing my day to day to help accommodate either of them because at the end of the day, I’m just the girlfriend.

Til next tidbit of drama….

XOXO