Limited Sanity

Dread. Trepidation. Nervousness. Unease. Apprehension. All words acceptable to describe my internal struggles as I drove home yesterday afternoon. I knew we’d have to deal with the elephant in the room, as well as the ex-girlfriend issue that hasn’t even come up yet. Time to put the big girl pants on and get our shit figured out, once and for all. Well… for at least this period because I’m no fool in thinking it’ll just be easy peasy from here on out. I had messaged him earlier in the day, saying I was willing to talk if he was, but that I wasn’t going to be screamed at again. Fair terms, I thought.

When I arrived home, he was working on the kitchen sink and a frozen pipe we’ve had for a few days – thank you subzero temperatures for the last 2 weeks. I was thinking “Oh great, he’ll be in a fine mood,” but actually… he was. Sitting down to chat was really hard at first. It felt more like a regular argument with raised voices and no one listening, but eventually we got down to the nitty gritty tough to talk about subjects when we started to let our egos go. We were open and vulnerable with each other like never before and talked about our mutual fears with this custody shit. I realized a lot of what I was doing, I thought was in their best interest, but perhaps it was serving mine and making me feel important. We, as humans, like to say we don’t do things to expect anything in return, but is that really true? We all crave some sort of attention for our good deeds and works throughout life. But when that craving becomes obsession, you lose sight of what is really important. And I did.

We discussed how difficult his mother is and how certain things she has been saying or doing has really been weighing on his mind, such as this custody shit and bugging us about getting married. I really do think she means well and wants happiness for the both of us, but perhaps doesn’t know how to do it without being smothering? I’m not sure, but I took the task of emailing her this morning, asking for a little space and to back off of those topics because they were causing unnecessary stress in our lives, especially his. Here’s hoping she took it well because I have yet to receive a response. Either way, she’s still going to have to wait until kiddo is 18 before we tie the knot… 7 years down, what’s 9 more to go?

Finally…. the final topic, and one that will never be brought up again, was his ex-girlfriend. I came clean about snooping and what I found. Of course he had his suspicions already, but let me come to him first. I told him how it made me feel that he kept in contact with her, given her less than stellar intentions. I felt disrespected. Yes by him, but mostly by her and his attitude towards it, making it seem like it was okay. It was never about *him* directly or my trust in him. It had everything to do with my insecurities of having been the “other woman” for several relationships without my knowledge, my fear of that happening again, or my fear that he was being emotionally and mentally fulfilled elsewhere. I never once thought that he would leave me to go be with her or anything like that, but I didn’t like the idea of this woman out there, who obviously has no respect for relationships, period, being overtly suggestive towards him, potentially putting him in a position of making bad decisions that he wouldn’t under normal circumstances. Does that make sense at all?

He didn’t understand at first. He thought I was trying to take someone that was there for him when no one else was away from him. Or that I was letting jealousy of his past cloud my judgement. But when I asked how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot, something clicked. He brought up my past and still being friends with the last one before him and how when D and I first started dating, I met up with the ex, we’ll call C, to tell him about my relationship. After clearing it with D first, of course. C and I would meet up usually on Tuesdays at our favorite bar to watch sports, have drinks, and if we were lonely at the end of the night… keep each other company. We did this off an on for 2 years, I felt I owed it to him in person to tell him that we couldn’t continue. And I did. And yes, we’re still “friends” in the sense that we’re both on Facebook with hundreds of mutual friends and we say hi should we run into one another. That’s it. I think it finally clicked for him that no, he would not be okay if the shoe was on the other foot.

To indefinitely close the subject, he pulled out his phone, pulled up her contact information, and told me to delete it. If it would help me find closure, delete her contact info. So I did. And then he opened up Snapchat. I asked him not to delete or block her without maybe offering an explanation because being “ghosted” does suck, but he did it anyway. I never asked him to do this and I never would. The closest I came to asking him to do it is asking what he would say if I asked him to.

The depths of this man’s love…. I feel it in my every fiber. The weight that was lifted off of my heart and my shoulders was felt immediately and I was able to sleep for more than 3 hours last night. As was he. I thought I might have a little more guilt for him “ghosting” and deleting her, but in him doing so I feel as if I can finally breathe without worry.

This conversation was not without my list of shit to work on. I need to listen better. Like really listen to listen and not fix. And I need to start showing him more physical affection. His love language is definitely touch and I need to work on that and be more loving, express it more openly with him. I asked him to be patient because girls, from a very young age, are told to not be too clingy, too needy, too this, or too that. It’s literally indoctrinated into our brains the moment anyone thinks we’re old enough to “program.” I want to be that gross, disgusting PDA couple that friends say to get a room, but are really happy we’re so in love. So I warned him… I’m going to smother him with affection until he tells me to stop. I have the green light to do so, so he better be prepared. It starts tonight with a Reiki Massage session 🙏 🙏 🙏

Here is to bringing back that spark and igniting a fire within again ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥