Limited Sanity

My mom is dying.

Wow. That’s fucking weird to read.

I’m sitting here, not too far from Sedona, AZ, taking care of my dying mother and have been since Friday, May 7th. I still feel like I’m dreaming and this isn’t really happening. Is it lack of sleep? Sleep has been coming in spurts and not very many of them at that.

My mom has had COPD for awhile. She was diagnosed when she lived in Iowa, about 4 years ago. Since then, she’s continued to smoke, but with a litany of other health issues, she’s taken a turn for the worse. She landed herself in Verde Valley ICU that Friday. That heavens for her friend Mary who broke into her house to check on her and called the ambulance because this would be a very different entry had it not been for her. I only know that she was in the hospital because of a random text she sent me about being stuck in the hospital. Either her phone died or she was out of it because she didn’t answer any texts after. I decided I was going to make some calls, find her, and find out what the hell is going on. Long story short, located her, finally found someone to talk to, and was advised my brother and I should probably come out to be with her.

I don’t have the mental strength at the time to describe all of the events that happened within that 24 hr period, but my brother and I hopped on a flight to Phoenix, drove north to be with mom, deal with “family” that wouldn’t listen, hold our shit together while obviously having VERY different outlooks on this, and prepare to bring mom home on hospice. Sounds like a regular ol’ family reunion, right?

The family that wouldn’t listen was her brother… and his fucking wife. Mom can’t stand her. Never could. She was the only one who saw through it. D and I advised them both before we left that they should hold off on coming out to AZ. We didn’t know what we were flying in to and I didn’t have a game plan, so why add more to the mix? We were all under the impression if anyone else flew out aside from me and Nick, it would be Steve. NOPE. She came with. And tried to turn their trip into a fucking vacation. Mom refused to see Steve (they’ve been feuding for about 4 years now) and she sure as shit won’t want to see Sara. Mom’s also determined her piece of shit dad and step-monster will show up, just to see her at her worst.

She’s so concerned with what people will think rather than accept that she’s dying. Even the doctor at the hospital was stunned at her lack of reality towards the situation. I get it, bud. She’s my mom and has been in denial forever. But YOU try telling her that. Oh wait, you did, for 3 days and didn’t get too far. Don’t worry, I’ll explain it to her as I sit here with her for the foreseeable future, watching her slowly fade. I can’t trust my brother to handle this, he’s a shit show who just recently, at the age of 30, got his first checking account. I’m proud of him, but he’s still unreliable.

WIsh me luck – here we go.