Limited Sanity

Man. Each day is getting a little bit harder and wearing me down a little bit more.

I’m still in Arizona, however, mom at least got to come home and is now on hospice. She has a wonderful team of people that are working with us – minus the spiritual advisor. He’s a bit off, but then again, I think you’d have to be in order to be around death so often.

Did you know it’s hot in Arizona? Like… all the fucking time?! Yeah, I did too, but it’s been a minute since I’ve lived here. Never thought I could get sick of sunshine, but my pasty ass is ready for a streak of storms or something.

Mom’s condition is starting to decline. She was doing so well when she first got home, but a stream of visitors, hospice workers, and dealing with the inevitable is no doubt hard on the brain and body. Last Sunday we had our first bad panic attack / crisis where I had to call the hospice center for advice. Mom’s oxygen levels dropped to the 30s, she was turning blue, and I was panicking. They advised to give her the liquid morphine and lorazepam we were given to help calm her. Well.. she was fucking knocked out for two days lol. But at least she was resting peacefully and calmly.

The hardest part is listening to her apologize and say how embarrassed she is. I’m doing everything I can to reassure her, but my mother has always been prideful when it comes to her appearance, so this is especially hard for her, knowing she’s basically wasting away. She’s skin on bones and not how she wants to be remembered. I fear that we’re going to have to start the bedside bathing today – she’s too weak to get out of bed unnecessarily. I bought the items to do just that, I just have to wait for her to wake so we can get rolling on that. I’m sure she’ll feel better after a good scrub.

This morning started in a panic at 5:30 am with needing a bathroom run, but not able to really move. Basically if she feels like she has to go, she just goes. I don’t mind the laundry or changing her, it’s the least I could do. I just worry about moving her or hurting her while moving her because she’s so skinny. I’m afraid I’m going to break something. The nights were the hardest to begin with and now it’s moving into the mornings and needing morphine to help calm her. I feel once you start the morphine treatments, things start to go downhill a little faster. Not because of the meds per say but because the body is finally relaxing and slowing down.

The not knowing when part is terrifying. I find myself waking up throughout the night, just to look over at her and confirm she’s breathing. I don’t know what would be harder – holding her hand as she takes her last breath or waking up and finding that she passed, but I’d like to hold her hand if I get the opportunity to.

My brother and his girlfriend are here this weekend. I’m not exactly sure how I feel about their visit, but mom’s happy so that’s all that matters to me. It’s hard for my brother to see mom in this condition, but maybe it’ll make him realize just what’s going on and perhaps he’ll get priorities in order or at least start to think about priorities? We’ll see. They leave at noon tomorrow and today is looking like a morphine coma day for ma – so I’ll keep you updated. Five bucks says they take the opportunity to turn it into a mini-vacation and go do fun things. Maybe that’s okay they go do fun things? I don’t fucking know. Maybe I’m just bitter, maybe I’m right. Whatever. All I know is I was fortunate enough to have an amazing support team at home that’s allowed me to put my life on temporary hold to take care of business.

Mom always said “I never left you in a shitty diaper, don’t you do that to me.” Don’t worry, mama-san. I got you. You saw me into this world, the least I can do is escort you out, the way you want to go.

I’m in robot-mode for now. If I stop too long to think about it, I’ll end up breaking down and being useless to everyone. After a life of tragic comedy, I’ve acquired the ability to shove shit down until it needs to be dealt with. It’s why I was able to make arrangements for my little brother’s funeral services and it’s what is keeping me semi sane here with mom. That and Arizona is a legal state so I’ve been indulging A LOT. Fuck it. It’s good bud and calms my brain a bit. I’d say it helps with sleep too, but sleep is irrelevant here. If I get 2 straight hours in a row, it’s a good night. Or day. I nap/sleep when I can because I’m a fucking monster when running on empty.

Speaking of naps, mom’s knocked out for likely the next hour so cheers to legal weed and naps all day in always fucking sunny Arizona.