Limited Sanity

This morning I had exactly 33 minutes entirely to myself. Complete quiet. I was able to sneak out on to the front porch, have a nice wake n bake, and enjoy the day’s first cup of coffee, it was great.

Things have drastically changed lately. Especially this past week or so. I’ve realized I’ve reached my limit of being away from home. I’m fucking sick of the desert. I’m tired of being treated like shit only to have that same person throw a pity party and I’m tired of being away from my family.

I text my brother the other day telling him we needed to talk because I was done. Guess who still hasn’t heard from that brother, aside from him telling me to fuck off and not text/call again. Nice, eh?

The same day I messaged him that I was done, he must have immediately contacted his girlfriend because I received a message from her, offering to take mom in and turn their living room into her bedroom and take over her responsibilities for awhile. There were quite a few subtle digs in there about me not being emotional able to handle it anymore since I was wishing for mom to die. Told her I’m up for anything if it gets me home, but convincing mom would be the tough part. I brought it up to her during a bath and she just kind of chuckled and commented how perfect it was that this conversation would come up today, after I told her I was done. Later on that evening was a shitshow while talking about it. She thinks I’m abandoning her and doesn’t hear the “I need a fucking break” part of the conversation. She doesn’t remember a lot of conversations like me telling her I was selling her TV and FoodSaver and was trying to get them back from the person I sold them to. Thankfully she dropped it.

Everyone has an opinion about how things should be done out here. How to get mom home, how to medicate her, what to do with her things, etc. Well… since she’s determined to deal with the pain through the 24 hour drive back home so be it. I personally think a 4 hr flight is much easier on her and everyone else, but then again, she doesn’t care about the comfort or ease for anyone else.

I’ve decided that my brother and his girlfriend can worry about getting her home. I’ll help with the transferring of paperwork and hospice, but if she’s determined to drive back, they can rent something big enough to take her shit with them. Then I’ll fly home and be reunited and hopefully can help get her bed and everything set up before they get home.

Here’s hoping we can head out on the road by next weekend – baby I’m coming home!