Limited Sanity

I need to get this all down in writing before I become the villain of this story, which is very likely. Here’s what I know, there are 3 sides to every story. My truth, their truth, and the truth-truth. Here is my version of events and predictions for what may come:

• 3 days ago, on August 4th, I reached my limit of bullshit I can handle. I’m not made for Arizona or the desert. I can’t handle 24/7 care of my mom anymore. I just can’t. Call it defeat, call it giving up, but I’m calling it self preservation. I told my mom I was done and text my brother that I was done. My mind is made up, I need to go home.
• My mother has many facets to her personality and not all of them are pleasant. Within the last decade, she’s developed this victim mentality where everyone is out to get her or cause her problems. She’ll be the first to tell you she doesn’t do drama while being right in the middle of it.
• Since this all started on May 8th, my brother has made 3 trips in total. Just before all this, he was recently promoted to foreman and now runs his own crew. She, however, does not work and is an aspiring artists who sells her painting online. They have 3 little girls and share custody with her ex, so being in Arizona long-term isn’t within their capabilities apparently.
• At the start, everyone tried convincing my mom to go home, but she wasn’t expected to live beyond the week we arrived. Here we are 3 months later and I can’t do it alone anymore. When Jack came to visit and first brought it up, she said no. She’s told me no, Jen no, Dave no, pretty much everyone. However, since her health has improved and she’s obviously outlived the first prediction, why not consider going home so I can get a little help?
• After texting my brother I’m done, his girlfriend messages me that they’ve been talking about getting mom home and moving her in with them. I said I’m on board, just convince her to because she’s fighting it and making it more difficult.
• Jen talked to her after this texting back and forth and told her life as they know it is about to change and not to expect to be able to continue going on living as is. No more running away on the weekends – she had the audacity to say I’d probably step in on weekends and help. Yeah fucking right sister, not for at least 3 months thanks. She thinks she’ll get her upstairs to bathe her. Good luck. Think they’ll stop her from smoking in the house? Probably not. Think the girlfriend will keep her bible thumping mother from my mom? Probably not. I’m fulling expecting this to blow up terribly and likely have my mom living with me again within a month, but I’m willing to let them fail and see how not easy it really is.
• We’ve since talked to mom’s nurse, who is going to look into how easy of a transfer it could be. It’ll likely be Monday we’ll hear from her and how we can best do this, but I’m hoping to be heading back to Iowa by next week.
• I’ve had to admit to mom that her apartment is packed and ready to go. She wasn’t happy that I sold her TV and FoodSaver, but again, these were conversations we had before they were sold. She doesn’t remember so they must not have happened, right?
• My mom is determined to make the 24 hour drive back to Iowa, versus a 4 hour flight. She’s in so much pain just sitting on the couch, I can’t imagine being stuck in a moving van or transit van for 24 hours. But hey, if that’s the case, my brother and his woman can figure out to get mom AND her shit back to Iowa and I’ll gladly fly back.
• Mom has told them both some pity party story about me being mean and how I want to abandon her. This is my mom’s specialty – being the victim, gaslighting and manipulating. This conversation led my brother to text me to fuck off and never contact him again, which it never needed to escalate to that, but it’s him. He can’t deal and grieves in such a fucked way, I should have known this was coming.
• Because during their visits to see mom she seemed healthier and perkier, they think it’s going to be a walk in the park and haven’t seen the 2 am bathroom trips, restless nights, or mood swings. I’m going to let them continue to think what they want because I’ve tried telling them ,Jen has tried telling them, just about everyone has told them but they refuse to listen or comprehend. At least they’ll get some firsthand experience.
• My assumption is my brother has been getting grief at work for not helping me out because D has been correcting everyone that assumes I’m out here visiting, on vacation, or having a great time caring for a parent in hospice. Since he’s likely been getting grief, he’s looking for a way to save face and what better way than to swoop in when his sister waves the white flag. Now they’ll have their opportunity to play hero and talk shit about how I ditched her and moved on. Because I know that’s the likely outcome, I’ve spent the last 2 days coming to terms with not giving a fuck about what they think because anyone that needs to know how it’s been out here already knows.

I needed to get this in writing so in the event someone tries to mess with my head and alter how I remember things, it’s here. I know I’ll be made out to be the bad guy. I know I’ll have people make assumptions about me and my family and how things were handled. I’m so beyond caring at this point because one mom has passed, I can close that chapter on her, on Arizona, and on anyone else that didn’t support us during this time. Fuck em. Fuck em all.

I have no doubt in my mind that one day, my mom will likely end up moving into our home until she passes. If she wait to pass until we leave Arizona. Since we’ve starting talking about the move, she’s been feeling worse and starting swelling in her feet, sure signs of heart failure and water retention. I don’t know if it’s the stress of the situation causing it or if it’s just time. Either way, here’s to another exciting month.