Limited Sanity

Happy Mid-September!

Nothing like some nice cool fall weather during a mental breakdown, am I right?

Adjusting to home-life again has been anything but easy. Last weekend was the first weekend since being “home” that I actually spent at home, which was much needed after my slight psychotic break a few days prior. Not really psychotic in the “I’m going to murder you” kind of thing, but definitely an out of body experience (OBE) with watching myself freak out and unable to stop it. Super cool.

Word to the wise – if you’re in a relationship, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT compare your SOs behavior to that of one of their parents. That is NOT the right way to get them to calm down. Neither is telling them to calm down. You’ve been warned!

D says because I grew up in chaos, I don’t know how to live any other way and seek out chaos. I was pissed at first, but the more I think about it, it really makes sense. I never had a stable upbringing between moving, changing schools, my mother’s many suitors, and just general every day madness. It’s no wonder abrupt change gets me in a tizzy.

After a particularly brutal battle royale (with words, never physical) last Thursday during my lunch break, D suggested I seek additional help because what I’ve been doing hasn’t been helping or isn’t helping since I’ve been home. He thinks I may be bipolar with my intense varying mood swings. Fair enough, we both come from a family of crazies. And while he is FAR from perfect and just as responsible for our issues and could ALSO benefit from therapy or additional mental help…. I can’t fix him, just me.

I returned to work that afternoon, unable to concentrate or stop crying, so I went home. I emailed my bosses, explained I was having some mental issues and seeking additional help from a physician on Friday to possibly change my antidepressants or dosage, and that I would update them after my appointment. I couldn’t get in to see my regular GP, but the doctor I did see was very kind and understanding. We upped my Lexapro to 20mg from 10mg to see if that helps and it was almost like an immediate response. I didn’t notice much that day, but the next morning I woke up with energy and ready to take on the day. I don’t know if it was the placebo effect or if it worked that quickly because I already had it in my system and we just upped the dose, but I’ll take it. The only downsides to it thus far: still not sleeping well and peeing about every 15 minutes.

I’m trying melatonin again, per doc’s request, to see if it’ll help. Last time I tried this shit it was the worst week of my life, but what’s the worse that can happen now? I don’t sleep? Okay, already doing that, bahaha. Thus far it’s helped me FALL asleep, just not stay asleep. The peeing every 15 minutes could also because I’m aiming to drink a gallon of water a day or at least during my working 9 hours, so that in combination with the increase of meds can cause that I guess.

Next week I finally get in to see my therapist and while normally I’m laissez faire about our appointments, but kind of nervous about this next one. I emailed her while going through my issues last week to update her on the situation and her replay was basically “Yes, we have much to talk about. Anytime I brought up your mom or family, you blew me off. Let’s get into it.” At least the appointment is at the end of my work day so I don’t need to worry about refreshing makeup or anything – let it run!

Looking forward to the weekend and having much needed me time. D has his annual motorcycle ride he organizes on Saturday so I plan to spend the day continuing to spookify the house – it’s is spooky season after all and I have some Barbie dream homes to turn into haunted mansions so let the fun begin!

XOXO