Limited Sanity

The terrible, awful, no good very bad daughter strikes again.

Yesterday afternoon I was asked if Mom and her dog could stay with us for a day so they could “bomb” their apartment for fleas – fleas that apparently they’ve had for quite some time. I stupidly agreed, without even consulting D, and text him to call me when he had a minute to discuss.

To say that WW3 was about to erupt is an understatement. D, understandably, doesn’t want our house or 3 cats to get fleas. I tried assuring him the dog was just flea dipped that day, but he was still worried about spreading it.

Now D is very much a realist. He doesn’t tend to get his hopes up much so he’s not disappointed in the end and he’s not always the softest when delivering words you don’t want to hear, but need to hear. This is a hot button issue for us because I’m a very emotional person who can cry at the drop of a hat from criticism, arguing, anger, happiness – you name the emotion, I’ve got tears for it. I wish he would consider a softer approach with things, but I can’t change him. I just need to toughen up a bit because he really does mean it from a place of love, he just sounds angry while doing it LOL.

Because I didn’t want to start WW3 when D told me how he felt about it, I text my mom to let her know that he was worried about the spread of fleas so she’ll have to find another plan. Yes, I did technically throw him under the bus, but it’s true, he was the main reason for putting a kabash to it. He and my mother have never really liked each other since the death of my youngest brother and the drama that came with that, so whatever, she’ll think what she wants to anyway.

After I text her that she’ll have to figure out another plan, her “caregiver,” my brother’s girlfriend A, called me to find out what was going on. I let her know they’d have to come up with another plan because of Dave’s concerns and it just wasn’t worth starting a fight for me. Queue the next few minutes of her screaming at me about what a dick D is, how it’s ridiculous she doesn’t have help, etc etc. I hung up and blocked her. How fucking dare she.

Doesn’t have help? Where were they when I was 1600 miles from home with zero help? I’ll tell you… back in Iowa in the comfort of their own home. I was away from D and kiddo and friends, I was away from my cats, my job for nearly 4 months – where was my help? I get it, she has 3 kids to take care of, but aside from that she doesn’t fucking work. She shops. She spends my brother’s money and has no problem with it. She does a few paintings and sells one here and there, but aside from that, she relies on my brother and his income. And I’m sure state aide of some sort – she just seems the type to try and get money any way she can, all while talking nothing but shit about her baby daddy and “his issues.” I bet she’d be great fucking friends with Dumb Beaver too.

Yes, I was fucking pissed (and crying, don’t forget that! Lol) when I hung up and blocked her. I immediately text my mother to let her know that I’m done with every single one of them. I’m sorry that I can’t help or seem to do anything right in their eyes – they’re never happy with what I do. I’m sorry that I can’t help it we don’t want fleas in our house, but I’m fucking done with them and they need to figure it out. My mom claims she had no idea A called me to scream at me, but I still find that hard to believe. My mother is an excellent manipulator of the truth and fantastic at playing the victim. My brother, on the other hand, is about as useful as a shit-flavored lollipop and only believes whatever A and mom tell him.

I’m done cleaning up after them all. I’m done being the responsible one who always drops whatever to help. I feel like I’m literally being torn in half with this false sense of “family” and feeling like I’m abandoning them by bowing out, while the other side knows they’re toxic, not good for me, and really only reach out when they need something.

My head-shrinker gave me homework during our last session: reading a book about toxic parents. I haven’t gotten very far in it, but what I’ve read so far hits home. I discovered another book around the same time as my homework called CoDependent No More and so far that’s been a God send at explaining why I do some of the things I do – it’s a survival tactic. But since discovering the second book, I’m left wondering what is the real difference between an empath and a codependent? I’ve got that written down to ask the head-shrinker when I see her next week because I sometimes have a hard time discerning my emotions from those I’ve absorbed from others. Or I think I do. I have no fucking clue, but hoping she can offer some insight.

Until next time

XOXOX