Limited Sanity

Happy Mental Health Awareness Month!

In all actuality, I just realized the theme of the month yesterday.. the day before maybe? But in all reality it’s perfect timing as I just had my first super successful therapy session yesterday afternoon where I left with an actual, genuine smile on my face and feeling on top of the world. Let’s face it, most therapy sessions are “successful” or at the very least, “helpful,” but this particular one was just.. fire.

Generally after a session, I feel “therapy fatigue.” A better term for it is “mental exhaustion,” at least for me anyway. I was actually looking forward to the session because last month I was a freaking hot mess and probably the first time I’ve ever cried in front of this particular therapist I’ve been seeing a few years now.

I was on the verge of walking away from an 8-year relationship with the one person who has been by my side through every family death and disappointment. She had to talk me off of that metaphorical cliff, although I’d be lying if I didn’t say I considered finding a literal one. I didn’t necessarily share that with her because it was a fleeting thought, not one I’d ever take seriously especially considering how my brother took his own life and my mom’s recent attention seeking outburst last Thanksgiving, I didn’t want to spend this coming weekend locked up in a psych ward somewhere.

This April appointment was really the first time I opened up about my own personal home-life as I’ve unfortunately talked her ear off about my strong dislike for my family and surprisingly they weren’t the biggest pain in the ass of my life at that time. I won’t necessarily get into the nitty-gritty, but I did open up to Dr. G about some of the emotional and mental abuses at home – mutually given and taken. I explained that I’ve written letters, I’ve walked away, I’ve screamed and yelled, I’ve cried myself into panic attacks just trying to get him to listen to understand me versus listening to prove me wrong or correct me. I also need him to understand that I don’t use my mental health issues as an excuse for poor behavior, but I do try and explain why I react or behave in certain ways and what I’m doing to work toward a better me.

She just reminded me that “Hurt people, hurt other people.”

Ugh I hate when she’s right. I had a bit of an epiphany that day about how we were loving each other in the wrong way – we assumed we knew what made the other happy, but in all reality it just pissed us off because the other person was never as appreciative as we had hoped or expected them to be. Huh, there might be something behind that “5 Love Languages” thing after all.

To wrap up a really emotionally tumultuous week and the long novel that accompanies it, I took the test, sent him my results and the link for him to take the test as well. I wrote a very long email about how I came to this conclusion using specific disagreements as examples and I think something clicked for the both of us. Of course LONG after (and I literally mean just hours lol) names were removed from utility bills, parents notified, and the announcement made on social media.

What were the dates you (didn’t) ask? Original bomb that went off started on Monday, April 25th over lasagna. No, I’m not kidding and no, I know it wasn’t really about lasagna, but the build-up of a lot of shit. We officially decided to reconcile and start with a fresh, clean slate on May 10th.

Was everything magically solved by then? Hell no, we’ve been bumping heads pretty regularly as we figure out our communication and love styles, but we are making sure to take the time to call each other for less than stellar behavior and not let it pile up. Easier said than done, absolutely. But neither of us want to enter the dating world again because that shit is nuts and I don’t think I could bring myself to let my guard down enough to trust someone because with my luck, they would end up being a conspiracy theorist or worse… a Trump supporter.

Anyway, I’m about to head out for the weekend – home to shower and pack, then head up to the farm for a weekend of camping, planting food, and hopefully getting laid in nature because what a better way to ground yourself AND get some, haha.

I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend. Stay tuned for the launch of my mental health podcast coming soon!

Sincerely,

Your hostess with the mostest and a dash of psychosis

– Sam