Limited Sanity

It’s been a week since I’ve written about “feeling normal” and holy shit has that been a rollercoaster of emotions.

Last weekend, I spent majority of it in my old home while he and kiddo were gone. I wanted time with my cats, who are still there, and wanted to pack things my way, on my time, without someone hovering. I should have known the amount of time and effort I put into packing 8+ years of my life in 2.5 days wouldn’t have been enough for him… upon coming home OF COURSE he had to complain about the “mess” left behind and how many things I had to leave for now until I could arrange to have them picked up. Why would I move YOUR things that were on MY furniture I’m taking when I know you’ll hate where I put it and just end up moving it anyway? Yeah, screw you pal.

With every passing day, he’s done nothing but make this entire situation more difficult to understand, but much easier to walk away from him. With every accusatory text along with having the locks changed 2 days ago after promising not to until my things are out of the house and just being an all around jackass, I’m to the point where I can’t wait to be done with him. If was aiming for me to hate him, we’re there. And it kills me to say that because I have given myself to this man in so many ways and have dedicated a good chuck on my life to him, just for it to be thrown in my face and then in the garbage like yesterday’s news. Super cool.

Yesterday, his ex gf/mother of his daughter called me. I hate seeing her name pop up on my phone because it’s either she wants to talk shit or complain, but I figured she knew about our separation and had questions. She started off asking if I’ve even gotten to speak with kiddo about any of this. I told her I only had the previous evening for about 30 seconds, but she was on speakerphone while he was right there, so naturally she was awkward and quiet. This confirmed what she had thought – he’s working on turning their daughter against me. His ex has known about our separation since last Thursday when he picked kiddo up for their week of vacation. I guess he told her it was amicable and “mutually decided.” But then when I went to pick up the things he so kindly put on the front porch in view of the world,for me, I had found out that in order for them to “waste time” and not be there while I was, they went to his ex/his daughter’s mother’s farm for a bonfire with kiddo’s stepdad and other siblings.

Tell me why I just KNEW he’d go running and crying to her. And he did. As well as talk down about me the entire time in front of her mom, stepdad, siblings…. and her. He also said that he’s not sure he wants me around his daughter because of my mental health and drug problems. I just asked her “Would I be as successful in my career if I had a drug problem?” and went on to explain that yes, I take medication and that yes, I’m in therapy and the meds are LEGALLY prescribed by a medical professional. And then something clicked. When we first started dating, he would tell me how SHE was addicted to diet pills. Huh, sounds familiar. She also went on to tell me that he offered to pay her wages if she’d quit IHOP because it wasn’t worth her time and she wasn’t making any money… He said the exact same thing to me when I was working as a bartender at the casino. And the list goes on and on. I’m still in shock over a lot of it.

We ended things on a decent note. I apologized profusely for ever treating her badly because I was fed all sorts of things for over 8 years about her and I’m ashamed I ever listen to any of it. And while we both agreed that neither is a favorite of the other, she said we’ll talk more later about me possibly being able to see kiddo on her time, versus her dad’s. Man would that be awesome to just cut him out entirely.

The only things left in the house are my 2 cats, my dying mom/dead grandmother’s things on a pallet, and a list of about 20 or so items I’ve asked for him to gather for me. Because I can’t trust that he won’t get rid of the sentimental items left, I had to organize some people pretty quickly to move the rest of it this Sunday morning. Because I no longer have access to the home or any legal right to, I have to work on his time and schedule. Which as a narcissist, he just fucking loves. It’s a control thing. I can’t wait to be rid of this man. And to think, just like 14 months ago, we were talking about getting married and had even gotten our marriage license. WTF. Bullet dodged.

He’s not happy that I’m taking 2 of the 3 cats because he swears the newest was a gift for his daughter. Yeah, nice try bud. She went with me to pick him out, but he was for the family. He’s become so attached to me since he came home deathly sick and is up my butt 24/7. There is no way I’m leaving him behind. Not to mention that in his 5 short years, he’s cost me well over $3K in vet bills outside of routine stuff. And my female cat I got the same year we started dating. She’s a mama’s girl through and through and no way I’m leaving her either. Get your old cat a new kitten, I’m taking my babies. At least I’m leaving their cat tree, cat fountain and other things behind for his cat and only taking minimal items for my two. I’ve purchased all new things for them because it’s a new place and they’re going to be nervous and scared I’m sure.

I’m also contemplating switching banks today. The one I’ve been at for 20 years doesn’t feel safe anymore because his mother is their auditor. She’s proven to be nosey in the past with accessing our accounts, because she can, and knowing what bills were or weren’t paid. It’s how she knew to transfer money to our joint account for the mortgage one month while he wasn’t working (he still isn’t, just for the record.) I asked him if I could trust she’d keep her nose out of my business and of course his answer was indignant so I reminded him it’s a valid concern, do I need to remind him of how many laws she’s broken since we’ve been together or… ? Again, more indignation so I’m just done.

My last texts to him were this morning when I asked him to tell his daughter that I love her and that just because the cats are leaving doesn’t mean she can’t come see them whenever she wants. I shouldn’t have even said that because I’m sure he’ll find a way to twist her 10 year old little brain into thinking I never said that, offered that, or who knows what else. Thankfully she goes back to her mother’s this afternoon where I’ll hopefully have an opportunity to really, really talk to her and gauge how she is. Her dad’s has the emotional intelligence and intuition of a brick wall. Her mom, I’m not so sure, but I can read this little girl like a book and I just want to make sure she’s okay and knows that I didn’t abandon her or leave her, only her dad.

I’m still kind of in shock with the entire thing. I’ve accepted it, definitely, but I’m still left sitting here wondering what the hell I did to get this kind of reaction and response from him? I know the answer is “nothing” and that this is just his narcissistic rage coming out because he’s no longer in control (for the most part) so he’s just going to lash out however and to whoever he can. Hence the reason why he’s making it SO much easier to say good bye to not only him, but the shady fucks that follow him around like sick puppy dogs. Sure, he’s charming, rides a bike, builds bikes, and has all sorts of neat hobbies, but at the end of the day he’s still a miserable person who will never be happy in life because the world is out to get him.

I’ve been very, very open with the social media world about our separation, his accusations, and the situation overall because I’m tired of being the only one who sees this side of him. Some have said it’s for attention or to cause drama, but I think those people are also embarrassed or ashamed to be called out for their own behavior, their partners behavior, or having witnessed his behavior towards me and chose to ignore it for whatever reason; it wasn’t that bad, he didn’t mean it, he’s just having a bad day, I’m sure his ex/kiddo’s mom is at it again, that’s just how he is, at least he doesn’t hit you, it’s just a silly disagreement, are you sure you heard him right?, I’m sure he’ll come around you’ll see, you two will work it out this is just a rough patch.

I’ve looked back at entries here, as far back as 2016, showing relationship problems then, but all from the perspective of me, the person who though she needed mental help and was going crazy. Turns out, he was helping me turn crazy. I’ve read just how many narcissistic abuse victims end up on anti-depressants while with their narc BECAUSE of the shit they put them through, especially when they start the “she’s crazy” campaign. I have my first therapy appointment since the separation next Tuesday. We were going to focus on my brother this go around, but I’m sure this will be the main topic. I can’t wait to be chastised for moving back in with my mother… But I’m sure once I explain Dr. G will hopefully understand. Because I’m not entirely sure I can’t take someone else being disappointed in me right now.

I know I did nothing to have anyone be disappointed in me (at this very moment anyway), but I feel the hatred and disdain from him, his friends, and parents. Even the neighbors in the old neighborhood – I felt their stares as they watched me load my Honda with my belongings left on the front porch. You know, the offended pro-lifers with 5 kids 4 houses down and the children of Bible thumpers right next to them? Yeah, those guys. Apparently my “pro-choice” signs we’re too much for them. I should have left them a parting gift of a pack of my birth control pills, but I feel like those babies are gonna be like gold once the Supreme Court does more damage.

I feel the awkwardness that will be this weekend when I attend a mutual friend’s kids graduation party by myself, only to return to my old home on Sunday to finish the final moving stage. At least I know where I’m staying is like Switzerland – they’re neutral (although I’m pretty sure if ever needed, they’d have my back in a heartbeat). It’s their daughter who is graduating from cosmetology school so I may come home with really cool “break-up” hair, bonus! I’m so glad I’ve met these friends, even if it was through him, and I’m excited to get away this weekend – starting tomorrow right after work.

I feel the sadness looming over the fact that while I’m experiencing the “death” of this relationship (and others due to people showing THEIR true colors too) right now, I will soon have to experience the very real death of my mom, whom I’m living with again, and can see that she’s on the decline daily with every labored breath. She’s still coherent when she’s awake (don’t ask me about waking her up, I have no clue what she says haha) and can move around a bit, but can’t lift more than 5lbs, sleeps in her recliner in the living room, and has the diet of someone on a daily road trip with peanut butter cups and snacks galore. At this point a healthy diet wouldn’t help much, nor would the breathing treatments she was supposed to be doing. The BiPap machine gives her PTSD flashbacks and claustrophobia when she goes to put on the mask. She gets out of breath from talking to much, too loudly, or even moving from the kitchen to her chair. We’ve been down this “death” route before, last summer is AZ, when we spent the summer at each other’s throats, but also while trying to find a way to say the eventual good bye. She’s told me she’s basically sitting in her apartment, in her chair, waiting to die. She doesn’t drive or get out of the house unless I take her somewhere and that in itself is a whole ordeal.

Which has me thinking that all of this did happen for a very good reason. It gives me the opportunity to live with her again and make amends from last summer. It gives me the chance to spend quality time with her versus only when she needs something. She may drive me absolutely up a wall, but at the end of the day she still is mom and still gave me a place to stay when I had no where else to go. Might as well make the best of the time we have left.

All in all I know I will be okay. I can tell with each passing day that my anger is a little less. My sadness is a little less. I’ve lived in survival mode my entire life, what’s a little longer going to hurt?

Have a beautiful and blessed day XOXO