Limited Sanity

When you’re ready to jump back into the potential dating scene? Not like “Let’s go get married” expectations, but someone to enjoy their company, have a plus one to events, and maybe even get naked on occasion? Is that a thing? No, I’m not talking a fuck-boy, I mean a grown-ass man who has his own grown-ass responsibilities, has his own place, a job, and likes to get out of the house and do things – dates, adventures, drag races, hiking, fishing, hockey games, you name it. What is that kinda fella called?

I downloaded the eHarmony app because I hear people on there are less likely to just be “fishing” or just DTF. But I don’t know if I want to proceed with the whole long profile, paid membership thing. I put up a few photos, answered a few questions, but haven’t gone much beyond that. We’ll see what this weekend brings. I promised my mom I’d be staying in this weekend to organize and get my shit out of the way. I keep calling her Dave Jr. for comments and things she makes while I’m trying so after I kind of snapped last night, I think she’ll rethink the commentary… one could hope.

I don’t even know if I’m ready for that just yet. I still had an emotional moment last night while sitting on the back stairs enjoying a cigarette. I kept thinking about him and wondered if he even thought about how I was doing or what I was doing or if he even missed me. That’s a dangerous trap to go down because of course your brain goes to “He’d call or text if he did. He’d make attempts to see you if he did.” I’m still awe struck at the cruelty I’ve seen from him. I never would have expected it in a million years, but then again, I should have seen it coming. Fucking hindsight. But I cried. More like sobbed. Like a big baby on the back steps on an apartment in downtown Dubuque, with tears and snot running down my face. Could it get lower? Wait, scratch that, I don’t want to temp the Universe into trying.

Like I’ve said, I’m surprised I’m not sadder than I am, but like last night, it’ll come in waves. I just want the waves to be done already. I wish I could look back and say I wish I never met him or never experienced the last 8.5 years, but that would be a lie. We did have some really good times and it’s hard to look at them objectively without letting the recent shit times cloud them because it makes me questions everything… was any of it real? I’d like to think so. I’d like to think the beginning was very real, buying the house was a very real thing, talking about getting married was a very real thing, and having the most amazing pseudo-stepdaughter was a very, very real thing. I miss her the most, honestly. I related to her most of all between the two of them. She’s kind, caring, forgiving, and intuitive as hell. I can only hope she’ll want to one day reach out and talk. Until then, I’ve said that if I need to say good bye to her in order to be done with him, it’ll hurt like hell, but I’m prepared to do that.

I just ordered my podcast mic and set up – should be here tomorrow. I’m excited to actually get rolling on a few episodes and it’s definitely going to still focus on mental health, but I think to start off, I’m going to use my experience with Dave, covert narcissism and how to spot the red flags that most of us think is just “normal” behavior. I think the first topic we’ll cover is about “trauma-bonding” and the effect it can have on the survivor because it’s something I’m very, very familiar with, especially from this past relationship and all of the tragedies we’ve suffered and the strain that put on absolutely e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.

I’ll post a link to the podcast once I get an episode or two up – I want to make sure I don’t sound entirely like a bumbling idiot, so until next time! XOXO