Limited Sanity

I’ve debated on whether or not I wanted to share some of the recorded audio from arguments with my ex. Originally I started recording things back in November 2021 when things started to not add up or stories not make sense. I have decided to share some snippets highlighting his gas lighting, grandiosity, word-scramble, and just generally making me feel like shit from the last few months because it makes me feel less alone. It makes me feel connected to someone out there who may need to know they’re not alone either.

Now – I’m no angel by any means. I have owned up to my part in all of this and have only been begging him to do the same. You’ll clearly hear me getting emotional and sarcastic, fitting for the occasion at the time. I even say some stupid things I should have, but in the heat of an argument, it’s hard to reign in.

We’re thankfully on day #4 of no contact (starting Sunday) and it’s getting a little easier each and every day. Especially when I’m able to dispel more rumors or bullshit he’s been spreading. We exchanged the last of whatever and I let him know when I was done and that was that. They say after a while, they realize they start to miss you and try to hoover you back in with love bombing. Let’s hope he fucking skips that part.

I just spent another hour on the phone with his ex/Rae’s mom today, confirming that he’s still telling her now they can co-parent and do things together because I was the one that stopped that. When really, I was the behind the scenes ref, always encouraging to try and co-parent, but again… I’m the most negative person he’s ever met…. laughable really. The turn of events is starting to get stupid hilarious – I can’t wait to see photos of them online somewhere of their blended “family” hanging out.

Please know, despite what you have heard or have been told, I’m not sharing these for attention, but to BRING attention to things the a lot of couples may think are normal in their relationship, but are actually red flags you should be keeping track of. Description of each audio clip is below the clip itself. Some are longer than others and only edited to save time and remove dead air. A bit part of things that never would have worked between us is in how we fight or show passion for things that mean the most to us, political, romantic, or otherwise. He’s content just sitting by because his vote “doesn’t matter anyway” and it’s just cramming your opinion down peoples throats with my signs and banners. I like to attend rallies, watch the news, stay informed, and if I can, vote on important issues that matter to me. But again, what did I expect from a slightly racist misogynist with a God complex?

Granted we officially separated about 3.5 weeks ago, it’s something that should have likely happened quite awhile ago because he’s been unhappy for a long time, according to the timeline of his triangulation attempts to get others to worry about me and my mental state. Goes back as far as last Summer while I was gone, perhaps even before then, I’ll never get to know the truth.

Enjoy – Strong language is used and just know that the sad, emotional, crying Sam you hear on the recordings is not the same Sam typing this up today. This one has found her voice and her claws and isn’t afraid to use ’em.

I’m not sharing these to embarrass him or shame him, but to show that not everyone understands what happens behind closed doors, especially when living with a covert narcissist. I think it really boils down to he doesn’t respect women, we’re beneath him.

I have plenty of other examples in text and audio, but it’s really a lot of the same degrading things: name calling, shaming me for my family, talking to me like I’m stupid, or just plain not respecting me or listening to me when I try to speak with him as an adult.

I will admit there are two instances that immediately come out of the forefront of recent events where he was able to get me to put on a show of just how crazy I am, while he remained calm, cool, and collected. First was arriving at camp and everyone else offering to help me carry my things, but him. He just sat an continued conversation. After dinner, I spent the rest of the night puking behind a tree because I apparently ate something that didn’t agree with me. I apologized to everyone that night and the next morning for not feeling like myself and it was all good.

The second instance was one of the last nights of camping, I was trying to get him to join me in the camper for some sexy time, but he wanted to stay up and visit with friends. Okay, just don’t stay too long – 3 hrs later I’m pissed and ready to just go to bed. What you don’t see here are all the times he’s guilted me for not giving him sex more regularly or guilting me that I must hate him because I don’t touch him. (This has been a point of contention in our relationship since day 1 – he generally would refuse to make a move or if I did, I’d get shot down because he was tired or some other reason, but ask him, bet he’ll say it was the other way around.)

We both did each other dirty in this relationship in a number of ways. I never expected the viciousness or cruelty from him, but then again it turns out I never really knew him. Which made it that much easier to say goodbye and someday soon stop thinking or caring about him. I was vicious too and said horrible cruel things I can never take back. I’m not excusing what I said or did, but a lot was reactionary because I was backed in a corner or stood over while getting screamed at.

If you or someone you know is suffering at the hands of someone else – physical, mental, emotional, psychological – please please please reach out for help.

This is the phone number for the nation domestic abuse hotline: 800-799-7233

Until next time, I’ll keep fighting the good fight and relearning how to live. Have a beautiful day! XOXOX