Limited Sanity

Today was my mom’s final antibody treatment since catching COVID and I’m hoping and praying that it helps and she’s able to overcome it because if this is the thing that kills her, my brother will just use it as an excuse to blame me for one more thing contributing to her death. I mean, it’s already my fault, but this will just add to the list of reasons why/how.

As I’m driving her home from her appointment, she points out that my driving gives her anxiety. I got a little snippy because literally everything I do gives her anxiety; moving boxes, cleaning, being too active around the house, talking about certain people in conversation, you name it. Obviously this upsets her, but I finally get to say what I’ve been thinking for weeks now: I’m not responsible for how you choose to take something I say.

I’ve asked her to not take it personally, it’s not her, but I’m assuming I have a little post-relationship PTSD happening because I’ve called her Dave Jr. a few times already. While I’m unpacking or moving things, I’ll be questioned on the who, what, where, when, and why I’m doing it that way, all while having been suggested on alternative, “better” ways from her. Her passive aggressive behavior and her guilt trips are like none other. She does it so frequently that it just comes second nature to her. She ask if I was happy having been mean to her, but again I reiterated that it’s not my problem if she takes something personal and has her feelings hurt by something I said.

I cannot do another year of this shit with her. I absolutely do not want to do another winter with her either, I’m just so ready for this to be done and over with. Going from “one week to live” to now over a year, I’m grateful for the extra time, but I’ve had enough extra time now… I was some mutherfucking peace.

Because I haven’t had a chance since moving to go out and do much (Thanks COVID) I decided to sign up with a couple of online dating sites and already coming to regret it. Not only did I find 2 of Dave’s profiles, but the quality of men out there is severely lacking. I’m not saying they’re all terrible, but is it really so hard to ask for someone who’s kindhearted, can hold a decent (written) conversation, isn’t pushy about meeting up right away, and just kind of goes with the flow? If we shared similar interests, that would be cool too, but really I just want someone to hear me when I say something. I want someone to ask questions if they don’t understand or need further explanation. I have written right there in my profiles that I just got out of a long term relationship and don’t know exactly what I’m doing here or looking for, but good conversation is a great start. In no way indicating I’m looking for someone to come “save me” or be my knight in shining armor.

I’ve been chatting with someone off of Bumble for about a week now and he seems harmless enough, but since having the discussion that we’re both in two totally different places in life and me not being ready to take it to “IRL” just yet, I’ve just got an “off” feeling about the whole thing. Maybe it’s my hypervigilance and PTSD from the last 8 years, maybe it’s because I’m looking for reasons to give up and just stay single for awhile, or maybe I’m saving myself from another near-decade of psychological abuse. I can’t honestly tell you, I just know that I’ve promised to listen to my intuition more often and right now it’s telling me there is definitely something off about it all. I may have jumped the gun with the online dating, I’m not sure yet.

I suppose only time will tell! Until next time XOXOX