Limited Sanity

Jeanette McCurdy stole my book idea. Not really. But kind of. I’m excited to buy her new book called “I’m Glad My Mom Died” because I have a sneaking suspicion that, although I’m not a childhood tv star, we’ll have things in common.

It appears my mom was able to overcome COVID, even after the doctors only gave her days to live. I’m starting to think we’re going to have a repeat of last summer and while I’m trying to remain hopeful that I’m wrong, I know I’m most likely not.

My brother got married yesterday. I wasn’t invited, of course, but that didn’t stop them from trying to get mom to tune in via Zoom. If only he knew how much mom hated her new “daughter in law” he’d shit his pants. I tried giving the invitation away to someone else, but no one was interested in watching my brother sign over his life to a useless waste of space and her daughters except the rest of her waste-of-space family and a few of my family members – ya know, the ones who’ve wiped my brother’s ass his entire life.

I’ve said it before and I’ll continue saying it until the day I die, but the wrong brother left this world. Why couldn’t I have been left with the kind, caring, compassionate one instead of this selfish dickface? Now don’t get me wrong, he’s my brother and I’m supposed to care for him, blah blah blah. And I did. Wholeheartedly. Until the bullshit of last Summer happened and he decided I’m enemy #1 and his now wife is “god” and anyone that speaks out against her is an enemy now too. Yeah okay, princess. When she drains you dry because she doesn’t work and is a waste of space, don’t come crying to me because I will laugh. In your face. For quite a long time.

Yes, I sound bitter, because I am bitter. Not only did I think I would be the first of us to get married, but I also found out my ex was invited on a camping trip to the Dells with a mutual “friend” and his family. This friend was friends with him before I came into the picture, so I can’t really be too upset about that. The fact that it was at the Dells, with my ex having known I’ve never been, and I was supposed to be on that trip, made it a hard pill to swallow. Not only because he’s doing something we said we’d do together, but because this mutual “friend” doesn’t seem to give a shit that he’s hanging around with a domestic abuser. Which really sucks because I absolutely adore his girlfriend/baby mama #2 and she’s just stuck in the middle. I never wanted anyone to choose sides, but seeing how some mutual “friends” are still okay being around him after all of the proof of abuse and manipulation I provided, I feel like that line is being drawn in the sand as we speak. Joe and Turd are really the only ones I know I’ll have to be okay with losing as friends because they met him back in his “drug running” days. They all went to the same tech college and got in the “biz” together. I find it rather hilarious that both of these fellas have gone to my ex about their own exes and custody issues when my ex did nothing but lie through his teeth on who the aggressor and abuser was, making him sound like the expert on crazy baby mamas. Really, it was him instigating her as often as he could with talking about me, bringing me along on exchanges, and really just using our life and relationship as a “one up” on her to make her feel like shit. I’m still so ashamed of myself that I participated in the garbage we put this woman through. I only saw her “reactively” abuse him because he poked the bear, but he routinely would question he parenting choices, call her a bad mother, and think he knows his daughter better. Fun fact – I know the kid better than either of you, but I digress. If he doesn’t start making better choices soon, he’s going to ruin that poor little girl into thinking the world is out to get her and the only way to win in life is to lie, cheat, and steal your way through.

As far as the “mutual friends” go, I think I’m going to have to just write a few people out of my story. Not because they’re bad people on their own, but the fact that they can still align themselves with him, after providing evidence of years and years of abuse, shows me that they don’t have my best interest in mind and I can’t surround myself with people I can’t 100% trust. I made that mistake with our “friends” across the street, down the hill. I confided in her, she confided in me, I thought we were good. Until we weren’t and now they’re “worried about my mental health” because of things he’s told them. SO worried in fact, they called to check up on me. Oh wait…. they didn’t.

People I haven’t seen or talked to in YEARS reached out to me to offer help, condolences, anything they could because they had been there themselves or have witnessed someone go through it. But the couple we would hang out with every weekend, go camping with, have fires with, double dates, etc… couldn’t be bothered to do so. At the end of the day, yes it sucks, but I still think I’m on the winning side of that in the long run. She’s a terrible fucking mother that let’s her oldest child beat on her (he’s been arrested multiple times) and her youngest steal her money and weed, all the while dealing with his heart issues and need for open heart surgeries throughout life. Her man is a die hard Trumper FJB guy, who doesn’t think anyone should get any government benefits, doesn’t think there should be stricter gun laws, and is just a big fucking oaf when it comes to the real world. His woman works multiple jobs and when she does have time off and they’re with us, she’s off doing her own thing – anything to not hang out with her man because she can’t stand him and his political views/beliefs in general. But if you go ask her now… those conversations never happened… I took them out of context… he’s not that bad… he means well…Sound familiar? Covert Narcissism at its finest and she’s in so deep she doesn’t see it or does and just doesn’t care and will settle. Kills me because she’s such a good person inside and really thought we connected on that happy hippie level, but again, in those types of relationships, you tend to keep quiet and head down as to avoid conflict as much as possible. Explains why they go through a CASE of Bacardi Limon in a week.

I’ve been making strides, leaps, and bounds when it comes to healing and trying to move forward with my life and am happy for the most part with the progress I’ve made. I just wish I had more motivation. I wish my depression wasn’t kicking my ass right now, making me want to sleep all of the time or just not get out of bed period. I thought it was the COVID exhaustion, and maybe some of it is, but I know a big chunk of it is from the major life lessons the Universe is determined I learn all at once. Listen, Great Sky Daddy or whoever is running the show up there…. I need a break. Just a month or two of boring, uneventful life events without a major disruption, tragedy, or emergency.

I’m really trying to continue finding the little blessings in everything, though some days are harder than others. I do believe this all happened for a reason, even if I’m not sure what that reason is just yet. We split, I moved back in with my mom temporarily to save money, she’s back in hospice and I’m now on FMLA to care for her until she passes. If we had still been together, I wouldn’t be here, getting this extra time with her, even though she drives me nuts.

It’s Sunday and that used to mean something when I knew I had work the next day, but now there’s just a big ol’ empty calendar. I think today I’ll spend time cleaning the apartment and de-COVID the place. We’ll see what I can accomplish. The folding of and putting away of laundry also has to happen at some point, but really I’m okay living out of a basket for the rest of my life.

Have a happy Sunday and great week ahead! Until next time… XOXOX